I cannot breathe. My heart is pounding. I want OUT.
Why did I crawl in here? Literally on all fours. In the evening, exhausted and with a headache. Why didn’t I stay lying in my tent? What would the others have said? What would Mivo have said? I do not know, and I never gave myself the chance to find out. Instead, I obediently crawled on all fours into the sweat lodge we had prepared that afternoon.
MITÁKUJA OJÁSIN. For the first time in my life, I greet those who went before me. The sweat lodge answers as one: MITÁKUJA OJÁSIN. WELCOME, BROTHER!
I sit directly opposite the small entrance, watching the others come in. With each new arrival, the remaining space disappears, the temperature rises and the air grows stale. After the last sister, presumably the red-hot… SEVEN STONES, Mivo calls to the two firekeepers.
I already feel faint. With mounting panic, I wait for the stones.
LOOK OUT IN THE SWEAT LODGE. THE STONE MEN ARE COMING. Without my glasses, I see a rounded orange stone radiating heat. Together, we greet the stone man: WELCOME, BROTHER! Mivo takes the antlers and places him in the pit at the centre of the lodge. The heat rises as quickly as my longing to disappear. I still have a chance. The door is not closed yet.
What stops me from getting up and going outside? I know. I have known it all my life. The fear of showing weakness. Of what the others will say, or merely think. The fear of criticism. I can still leave, I tell myself with every new glowing stone. Do I surrender to my panic or to other people’s judgement? This is more than I can handle, whichever way I choose.
After the seventh stone, and the water greeted with WELCOME, SISTER, Mivo asks, DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?
I hesitate for a moment, gathering courage. Then I hear myself say into the half-darkness, I’M AFRAID.
Mivo answers at once: EXPERIENCE TELLS US THAT THE MORE YOU FIGHT THE HEAT, THE HARDER IT WILL BE. ACCEPT IT, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT. I say nothing. I know I will survive. But I do not know how.
CLOSE THE DOOR. The words sound a little distant now, and my panic peaks. Outside, the two firekeepers pull blankets across the entrance. Only the little heap of glowing stones remains visible. Sweat runs down my bare back, arms, legs and face. I cannot breathe. I have a towel with me. I hold it in front of my face. Breathe in. Breathe out.
I hear Mivo asking us to pray for ourselves, to speak aloud from the heart what we wish for this stay, for the vision quest. One by one, I hear the others’ prayers. Slowly, my turn approaches.
GREAT SPIRIT, PLEASE LET ME RECEIVE WHAT I NEED HERE, EVEN IF THAT MEANS DISCOVERING THAT THE TIME FOR MY VISION QUEST HAS NOT YET COME.
I lie down on the bare ground and let the grass cool me a little. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. I hear the others praying, but I am not listening. I am with myself. Inside myself. In. Out. Again. Again…
IF YOU WANT THE DOOR OPENED AND THE FIRST ROUND OF THE SWEAT LODGE TO END, YOU HAVE TO CALL MITÁKUJA OJASIN TO THE FIREKEEPERS. I join the others’ shouting. MITÁKUJA OJASIN. We are all part of one whole. I have survived. I do not know how.
I crawl outside to cool down, breathe and drink. Meanwhile, the Great Spirit has lit the stars. Three rounds still to go.
No one is getting me back in there. MIVO, I CAN’T GO BACK IN.
ALL RIGHT. GO AND GET CHANGED, THEN SIT OUTSIDE SO WE CAN SHARE OUR ENERGY.
