You are nine years old, and you would give anything in the world to have a pacifier in your mouth again.
You no longer remember exactly what it feels like, but you cannot resist the longing. To experience that strange, unique feeling of contentment, peace and safety once more. Like a ship coming into harbor after a long voyage at sea.
But how? You are a big boy now. You do not want to be a shame. Asking your parents for a pacifier is out of the question. If that were possible, you would have done it long ago. They would not buy you one. At best, they would explain why you cannot have it. At worst, they would laugh at you. They must never find out. Never.
You could buy it yourself. You have your own money. But there are a few catches. What if the shop assistant asks why you are buying it? What if she knows your mum? What if someone you know sees you? You simply do not want to explain.
Too many WHAT IFS.
You have one option left. It is a big risk. You need to think it through and prepare carefully. Make a plan. But three words keep echoing in your head. STEALING IS WRONG.
Stealing is simply wrong. And if it goes wrong… you cannot even bear to think about that. So much is at stake. Your life as you know it is at stake. Your standing. Your dignity.
Besides, you are not a good thief. You have been caught once before. The memory is still vivid. When, as a five-year-old boy, you tried to take a pacifier home from a visit to relatives. In the back pocket of your shorts. You did not realize that grown-ups look down from above. Your loot was in plain sight. An amusing little attempt. But you were not laughing. You were left with an empty pocket and an unfulfilled longing. Denials and blaming other people. It helped that time. Just.
Now there is no one else to blame. You feel like a little boat at sea. Your stomach pitches at the thought of being caught. You are scared. But you hold your course towards your harbor. Even though it is still far away. You have made up your mind. There is no other way. Tomorrow could work. After PE. That will come in handy.
You walk around the supermarket you know so well. The waves have grown since yesterday. You hold your course, but catch only occasional glimpses of the harbor. Will you give up? You have already decided. You go inside and take a basket on wheels. You hang your PE bag on it. It is part of the plan. You steer through the aisles. Following the detours you planned beforehand, you reach the toiletries section. The little basket of pacifiers. On the way, you have added a biscuit. To avoid drawing attention. You pick up a pacifier and feel an enormous wave wash over you. You feel a thrill, your heart pounds and your hands shake. Your knees turn to jelly. You put the pacifier in your basket and hold your course towards the harbor. You are a little closer now; you can make out individual boats and houses. Water sloshes inside your little boat. Your feet are cold. You loosen the drawstring on the bag. You return to the sweets aisle. No one is there. The sea calms a little. You can see the harbor. Full steam ahead. You pick up some chocolate too. You place it in the basket, right beside the pacifier. A second later, you close your hand around the pacifier and stuff it into the bag. Out of nowhere, another enormous wave. Salt in your eyes. You lose your course. But now there is no turning back. You do not want to go to the checkout, but you cannot give up. You are so close. The pacifier is in the bag. YOU HAVE ALREADY STOLEN IT! The checkout. A biscuit and some chocolate. IS THAT EVERYTHING? the cashier asks. Someone says YES. Probably you. You pay. Suddenly the sea is calm. You can already hear the harbor bells. You start to smile, looking forward to mooring with treasure on board. Drying off. Resting. Settling down with your reward. You pick up the biscuit, the chocolate and the bag. You head out of the shop.
You can still feel the hand that grabbed your forearm from behind, to this day.
